Barbells, books and…

Before anybody asks, and if it wasn’t blatantly obvious, the above image is AI generated. That being said, it’s amazing what that AI can do. I simply asked for “father whose grown children have left home” and this was the result. I think the man’s wistful, contemplative air is exactly in line with what I want to explore in this post. Namely, the whiplash one experiences when one’s adult children leave the home, aka “empty nesting”. What it’s like, in my personal experience, and what can be done to mitigate the downsides. I’m in the midst of this experience so I’d also love to hear about your experience and what you’ve learned from it.

My empty nest journey began just recently. Over the summer we deposited my youngest at his new university in a country rather far from where I live. 2 weeks later I drove my oldest to her last year of her Masters program in a famous city a few hours drive from here. On my drive back, literally I as started my car, I was hit by a kaleidescope of emotions. Now, of course I had been anticipating that this would happen, but I was suprised how quickly it set in. It’s not just loneliness, it’s much more complex than that. It’s a full-on existential crisis that in it’s own way is as shocking as when you bring your first newborn home and realize your life will be forever changed. Intellectually, I realize that just because my children are older and out of the house, I don’t stop being a father. Instinctively, though, I know life has changed profoundly. For 2 decades and some change my main mission and daily focus has been my kids. Now they are far away starting a new, exciting chapter in their lives.

The initial emotions/feelings I encountered was a palpable feeling of disorientation, of being “rudderless”. Quite literally, it was a feeling of “who am I, what am I and what the **** am I doing”. These were major questions I had not fully answered before I had children so I guess it’s not surprising they came roaring back to the forefront. Other emotions surface, of course, including regret. I regret things I could have and should have done better as a father. For example, while I feel that I was often available for my kids, I regret often not fully “being in the moment” as I let stress over things like work interfere with the experience. There are no “do overs”, you will not get those opportunities back. You can always get another job, but your children only have 1 childhood.

One of the most ironic aspects of this feeling is that initially me and my ex-wife were not very child centered. After we got married, we hadn’t really made any explicit plans to have children nor discussed it at length. Our short-term focus at that point was careers and if we wanted to move to another country. Then, we learned that my oldest was going to make her grand entrance and I think we were both, like many expecting parents, a bit panicked. Every new parent hopes beyond hope that they are up to the task. Then children arrive and, lo and behold, you are up to the task. The most pleasant surprise, to me at least, is how awesome it is to be a parent. All of the horror stories that people tell about sleepless nights and other downsides to being a parent. Meh, it’s overblown, and I don’t know why people do that. I never once thought about any downsides. You are fully responsible for this little person so you have better things to concentrate on. My wife and I eventually got divorced but despite our differences we remain friends and are on similar wave-lengths in regard to parenting. That, my friends, is extremely lucky.

Of course, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Kids can be a challenge. However, ask most parents what the best thing that ever happened to them was, and invariably they will say having children. Life is all about balance so every major positive also harbors a potential negative. It’s a great feeling to be fully focused on the welfare of one’s children. The flipside is often parents neglect their own needs. I think this is why I felt like being a 30 year old all of the sudden, albeit minus the 6-pack abs and with grey hair. The lingering existential questions I left unanswered are still there – and once again brought to the fore. Being an active parent with young kids allowed me to shelve those feelings for a few decades.

One of the most annoying aspects of being a new “empty-nester” are friends and colleagues droning on about how lucky I am to have all this new-found free time to do whatever I like. Honestly, I’m going to slap the next person who says that to me. Seriously, though, I understand where it’s coming from. Most of them have younger children and thus very little personal free-time so they are living vicariously. Also, I can’t deny, if being an empty nester is sort of a negative, then increased free time is the positive flip-slide. You suddenly have exponentially more time to yourself. It’s crucial, then, that you have actual interests and plans to fill that free-time or you could potentially focus on the negative.

I don’t mean for this post to be a downer. It shouldn’t be. The logical result of parenting is that your children will go out into the world and live their own lives. It’s inevitable. Rather, I’m trying describe what it feels like in the beginning when you have no more kids at home. And, honestly, I have evolved at least somewhat since my kids were born so I’m better equipped now to deal with the life’s unresolved existential questions. For one, I’m self-aware enough to realize what is happening and why it is happening. Also, I know from experience that I must make greater strides in finding my own answers, be it through therapy or other means. If I have one word of advice for young parents, it’d to prioritize their own growth even while they raise their kids. It will pay dividends later. Also, I have friends and outside interests (which this blog captures) that, yes, I will now have more time to indulge. I feel more comfortable in my own skin (as they say in French) than when I was younger, and more resilient. I’m not sent into a tailspin by a periodic bout of the blues, as I’ve got tools to deal with it. It’s all part of the process; it’s better to have lower highs and higher lows than manic swings.

So, yes, the empty-nest phenomena is a real thing. So, too, is “failure to launch”. One of the funnier French movies (yes, there are some funny French movies) I’ve seen in past few decades has to be “Tanguy” which is the story of rich Parisian parents in their 50s who are eagerly looking forward to enjoying their remaining active years for themselves now that their model son, Tanguy, is grown. Tanguy, however, is absolutely happy living at home and exhibits no signs of wanting to leave. At first they try reasoning with Tanguy, but while he’s a charming, affable kind of guy, he is not great at taking hints. So they begin to take ever more drastic measures to make sure he’ll want to leave on his own, but Tanguy always manages to find the silver lining in any situation whilst also, repeatedly, failing to take the hint. It’s extremely droll film that plays with the notion of what it is to be a parent as well as what it is to be an adult.