The post-50s dating paradox

This post will be very quick and to the point. It’s open question to those of my readers who are past 50 and are tentatively dipping their toes back into the dating pool. Recently, I was discussing these challenges with a friend who is going through the same experience. He summarized the major issue of dating beautifully in one line: “The people who “make sense” often don’t feel right, and the ones who feel exciting often don’t make sense.”

What does that mean? At this age, we’re earned some level of wisdom from hard-won experience. We are pretty good a recognizing red flags and know intimately what the price is for ignoring them. We also know how recognize a “good person” but, because we still need some work on rewiring emotional schemas, we tend to not to find these well-adjusted unicorns attractive. We know this stupid, but let’s just say that fully mature emotional intelligence is a work in progress…

The elephant in the room is that 50 something you still aren’t “old, old” but you ain’t going to be mistaken for somebody in their 30s either. You don’t look like you did in your 30s, and neither do 99.9% of people in your available dating pool. However, most people at this age haven’t really adjusted their mental image to their current age. I’d bet that everyone’s mental image of themselves is them, circa age 28. Anyway, you ain’t the hot stuff you once were, and neither is rest of your age cohort. Some of us age better than others and still others are now reaping the benefits of good habits (regular exercise, etc) while the reverse is equally as true. Pigeons always come home to roost.

I think if you asked most people at this age what they want they’d want in a potential romantic interest is somebody who is emotionally mature and stable while also being quite physically attractive. (I assume that most of my readers would prefer to date “age appropriate” partners) The issue with this is that to find that package is about as realistic as the meme song “I’m looking for a man in finance, 6″4, makes 6 figures, etc, etc.” Sure, you can want that, but what is the actual chance you will find this mythical creature?

This is complicated by the fact that if you find an attractive woman, or man, who is single at this age, more often than not they have more red flags than a May Day parade in Beijing. This is because they’ve traded on their face card their entire lives, and this has given them bad habits that stunted emotional growth. People have let their bad behavior slide in the past because that is what we do with very attractive people. However, their “sell by” date is very fast approaching, so we all know that you don’t want to be anywhere nearby when that day arrives.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that one needs to take a long, and very literal, look in the mirror. Adjust your expectations accordingly, within reason. Relationships still need physical attraction to begin with but it’s stability that makes a relationship successful.

What is your take on this? Please leave a comment below.